Reflections on Time

Fellow blogger and Francophile Colleen posted a very thoughtful comment to my last book review. As she brings up a few very interesting points that I’ve thought about many times myself, I’ve decided to post her comment here in its entirety and write today’s post as my response:

I’ve done many years of study about the French lifestyle with food and diet. It seems that even if one can afford market produce, organic goods and the time for an occasional walk around the block it is not enough. The most difficult thing for me–and I assume for others–has been to change my lifestyle and to slow down. How can I slow down? How can I work less than 10 hours a day, come home cook dinner(even the small ones), sit at the table and enjoy a meal with all the other things I need to do–and I don’t have children. It’s the lifestyle I need to change and it is proving difficult. So with all of these wonderful books about French women, lifestyle, and food the bottom line for me isn’t with food or diet but the combination of those with a hurried life. The books do prove to be inspirational. Maybe we should move to France to change our lifestyle and lose weight. Now that’s an idea…

I wholeheartedly agree with Colleen that simply having enough money (although it will certainly help) to be able to afford organic produce, quality beauty products, and designer clothing will not necessarily afford one the French-inspired lifestyle to which we all aspire. When my husband and I were a dual-income couple, we were socking away quite a bit of savings each month, eating out and planning vacations. Of course, we also had very, very little “free time,” which was frustrating as we were also newly married and wanted to spend as much time as possible with each other.

Now that we’re down to one stable income (his) and one that’s not-so-stable (that would be me and my erratic freelance writing gigs, plus my one-day-a-week job), plus we have some debts that we incurred when he went back to school to get a second degree. So whereas before we had lots of money but very little free time, we now have less of each.

On the other hand, I don’t necessarily agree that moving to France will be the answer to all of my problems. It reminds me of people I’ve met who’ve lived (or are currently living) in Hawai’i: they all uniformly make the good point that moving to Hawai’i may seem like a great idea, as from afar it appears to be this island paradise with people having nary a care in the world. But without fail, people who land here from the mainland expecting all their problems to disappear find to their surprise that they tend to bring them all with them, and then find even more on top to boot. If anything, their problems often loom even larger in their minds, probably because unlike life on the mainland, where we have plenty of things to distract us, island life pretty much leaves us with plenty of time to ourselves, which for many people is a very uncomfortable experience. My theory is that a lot of our problems are largely self-generated, and a change in geography won’t necessarily result in a change in circumstances, because we still have one of the main obstacles to happiness with us: namely, well, us.

Does that sound cynical or reeking in (eek!) psychobabble? Maybe. But because for a lot of people, moving to a foreign country isn’t possible for any number of reasons, I’d rather focus on learning how to live life a la francaise right where I am (which for me means a small desert/mountain town in the western United States).

One especially critical change I made is to make a list of what’s really important in my life, namely: my marriage, my writing, my friends, my health. Everything else is trivia, and I don’t mean that lightly. I’ve lost my job, lost my savings and lost my health, and only after these events did I realize just how important it was to reorganize my life so that I no longer wasted any more resources (time, money, effort) on things that matter little to me.

Once I made that list, I did exactly that: I reorganized. I learned how to be more efficient with my time, learning new technologies and systems to streamline the day-to-day tasks that must be done (paying bills, certain household chores, sending birthday/greeting cards, etc.), creating new systems that work for me on how best to schedule my days so that I can free up my brain to focus on more important tasks (my writing projects), and most importantly, learning to say no to those things that we often feel forced to do but which do nothing to substantially improve our lives.

Don’t get me wrong — it’s taken me years and years to get to this point, and sometimes, yes, I get frustrated that I can’t do everything, or something doesn’t turn out the way I want it to. Sometimes, after a particularly trying day, I throw up my hands and say, “Let’s order a pizza,” then eat way more slices than I should. I never go to bed without cleansing my face thoroughly, but sometimes (like today!), I just don’t feel like spending a lot of time figuring out what to wear, what scarf goes with what outfit, or whatever, and just throw on my trusty running pants, an Old Navy T-shirt, and running shoes, and maybe put my hair in a ponytail. And forget about high heels, despite the Frenchwoman’s penchant for all things stiletto: my knees and ankles will never forgive me, and I just love the mobility that flats afford me.

In other words, I have the ideal, and then there’s the practical implementation of it to fit the reality of my life. And I don’t doubt that many Frenchwomen, despite the idol-worshipping we Francophiles are guilty of often engaging in, go through much the same rituals we do: resolving to do things a certain way, then falling short of the goal because of unforeseen circumstances or, in my case, just plain laziness. The difference that I can see, however, is that they don’t let themselves feel guilty about it; rather they just offer up that adorable Gallic shrug and say, C’est la vie, and resolve to try again next time.

Betty C. quite rightly pointed out in her comment that her own colleagues in the rural area where she currently lives in France are facing much the same dilemmas we rushed Americans are: shorter lunch hours, longer working days. I’ve seen the same thing happen to my relatives in the Philippines, my co-workers in Japan (when I lived there, that is; despite the stereotype of the relentless Japanese urban sarariman, their rural counterparts have a much easier time of it in the office), my friends in Ireland.

The only solution that I can come up with that works with my own life is to make those changes I mentioned above. I read books and articles as well as other blogs, talk to friends and even strangers about how they’ve created meaningful lives for themselves, and do a lot of thinking on the subject. My husband is Buddhist, and he especially has introduced me to a lot of ideas that I think more Americans can benefit from, without having to convert to a different religion. The concept of mindfulness in particular — nothing unusual, and just about any contemplative faith subscribes to it — is something that’s tres francais, the idea that one must focus on the present moment without worrying about the future (which doesn’t exist) or the past (which no longer exists). Whether we’re meditating or praying or eating or reading or writing or even working in the office, we must think only of what we are doing at that moment, savoring it, really being present in the moment. The alternative is that we mindlessly rush through each of these moments, always looking ahead, always thinking of what we could or should or would be doing instead. Then we look up one day and wonder, Where the hell did our life go? Well, we were living it, we just weren’t paying attention.

I know that this isn’t all that simple. Modern life is such that it’s enough if we could make it through the day without breaking down in tears or yelling at our spouses or crawling under the covers and never emerging. But life will go on with or without us, so we may as well make the most of it that we can, enjoying each moment as it comes. It sounds trite but is so true. And if our circumstances are such that we really can’t enjoy it, then by all means, figure out what you think will make you happy and work towards that goal.

Hate your job? Polish up your resume and look for another.

Want to lose weight? It’s no secret: eat less, move more. If you’re one of the small minority of Americans with thyroid problems that keep you from losing weight, then for heaven’s sake, see a doctor. There are plenty of medications out there to help with that malady.

Hate where you live? Do research on where you can move and still be able to get a good-paying job and get a decent place to live, whether it’s renting or buying a house.

Want to start your own business? Check out a book at the library (the best place in the world to learn anything at all) on how to do so, and maybe take an entrepreneur out to lunch and ask questions.

Want to move to France? Save up the money, and while you’re at it, do research on where you want to go, how you plan to live, and what you want to do.

I guess my thinking is that if there’s something you want to change about your life, the key is to just take the steps to make it happen. Most of the time, moving somewhere isn’t necessarily going to instantly make your problems disappear — you just end up creating new ones. If you’re unhappy with your schedule and wish that you had more time for the things that really matter, one concrete solution is to do what industrial science or business efficiency experts refer to as time-and-motion studies. I did this once for a job I was doing and was amazed at how much time I wasted on things that weren’t critical to the project at hand. When you’re in the middle of everything, you don’t really have much time to stop and evaluate everything you do, so often are we on auto-pilot.

A very simple way of doing this is to create a spreadsheet where you list on one column the specific times in which you do something, and then in the next column you write down exactly what that “something” was. An example:

TIME	TASK
8:30	Breakfast
8:54	Shower
9:15	Dress, makeup, hair
10:45	Drive to coffee shop
11:00	Begin working on book project
11:15	Call B. on telephone to discuss dinner tonight
11:20	Continue working on book project

And so forth. Make note of everything you do, from calling the pizza guy for delivery, to which Tv shows you’re watching, to what books you’re reading, to what time you eat and how long. Do this for no more or less than a week/7 days, then spend some time reviewing your spreadsheet. What did you spend most of your time on? Did you really watch 15 hour of TV that week? (I’ve done that, and still do. Sigh. Again, being on auto-pilot is all too easy a trap to fall into.) Were they things that are on your priority list, or things that you could’ve done without, or at least do less of?

Once you have your life in black-and-white like that, it’s easier to see the places where you can make changes. I wouldn’t recommend making wholesale changes right away — like most anything else, our schedules are often mere habits, and these are stubborn about change. Our very human tendency is to rebel if we make too many changes too soon. Do a little at a time, and once you’ve established a change in one area (e.g., you decided to watch two hours less of TV each week), either bump it up a little (after two weeks, try dialing it down an additional hour) or add something that you do enjoy (read a book, cook a good meal, take a walk).

After awhile, you’ll find that a lot of the things you thought you were “giving up” weren’t sacrifices after all. Or you may discover that you really do find fulfillment in watching movies or a certain TV show (I get a huge kick out of watching Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane on Sunday nights. It’s a great way to prepare for the week ahead! And I have to have my NBC Must-See TV lineup on Thursday nights!). In the meantime, you may find quite a number of hours opening up that you never realized you had.

By the way, I think if there’s one thing that I’ve learned (and am still learning) that has been most important to maintaining my sanity and creating the kind of life that I find most meaningful, it’s been the art of saying Non. Learn that, and everything else in your schedule will fall into place much more easily. Anne Barone mentions it at length in her books as one of the Frenchwoman’s secret weapons, and how right she is. We women have been burdened with too much guilt already (heck, Eve was just hungry, is all!). There’s no need to add to it with things we know we’d much rather not be doing anyway, just to be nice. Whether at work or at home or at the snack aisle at the grocery store, just say the magic word. Sure, there’ll be some guilt. But trust me — it’ll pass. And the more you do it, the easier it gets to say it each successive time.

Gosh, I didn’t really mean for this to be such a lengthy novella! Many thanks to Colleen for her comment and for inspiring me to think more about this topic. I’m sure the other Francophiles out there in the blogosphere have their own take on the matter, all of which I’d love to hear.

In the meantime, here are a few random blog posts, books and Web sites that I’ve found useful and interesting, all somehow related to the subjects I’ve touched on above:

Take Back Your Time movement

Organization 101 — The Simple Dollar‘s writer/publisher has some very thoughtful observations and advice on how to live a more organized, frugal life. This particular post was especially helpful reading in reinforcing some of the things I already do to try and simplify my life.

Your Money or Your Life — Many of you will have either heard of this book or read it. It offers invaluable advice on how to refashion your life so that you can focus on what really matters to you, regardless of your financial circumstances.

The New Road Map Foundation — The organization that publishes Your Money or Your Life. They offer many other resources, including Conversation Cafes.

Center for the New American Dream

Not Buying It: My Year Without Shopping, by Judith Levine — Unlike many books about consumerism, Levine’s is a more philosophical, less didactic take on the ultimate American sacrifice: no shopping.

Socrates Cafe, by Christopher Phillips — Not a book about consumerism or materialism or even time management. Just a really fascinating, thought-provoking tale about a man’s quest to pursue the meaning of life in conversation with others. Phillips started the Socrates Cafe movement using this book as his bible; you needn’t have any background in the Greek philosopher’s life, just genuine curiosity and an open mind.

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