The Holiday Season: Enter At Your Own Peril

Ah, family. That bastion of traditional values, happy homecomings, intimate relations, and eternal bonds. Could anything be more warm and loving than family?

Oh yeah. Right. I was thinking of a beer commercial family. Otherwise, families are just…nightmares.

I made it to my hometown of Dallas today, a couple of days ahead of B. My sister-in-law was scheduled to give birth to my first niece and my mom’s first grandchild on Friday, but the poor dear apparently decided she’d had enough of her environment and popped out a couple of days early. Born at 4:13 yesterday, she’s a healthy, happy, absolutely gorgeous little girl with a huge extended family who adores her. We may actually have a stress-free Christmas gathering this year.

I’ve read in a million different places that Frenchwomen are very close to their mothers, often spending whole days (!!!) with them. Voluntarily! I do adore my mother — love her to pieces, in fact — but I’m baffled as to how much more perfect could Frenchwomen be. I mean, what woman doesn’t have a complicated relationship with her mother?

Having grown up partly in a different (Asian) milieu, I do understand that it may be a cultural thing. Asian mothers and daughters — like Asian fathers and sons — generally still have somewhat fixed roles to play, and this unspoken understanding will often lead to relatively harmonious relations since each person knows what’s expected of her. Not that the relationship is entirely devoid of conflict, but it’s not as overtly contentious as I’ve often seen demonstrated here in America among my women friends and their mothers.

Anyhoo, I guess the point is that I would love to have the kind of relationship with ma mere that the legendary Frenchwomen have with theirs. I wonder if it’s partly because, as is often noted in many books, women in France don’t easily make friends with other women, that they often view each other with suspicion. They consider themselves rivals in the neverending struggle for the affections and attention of any and all male creatures within a five-mile radius, so it’s difficult for them to engage in the kind of sista-hood les americaines try so hard to achieve. It seems awfully like a rather stressful way to live, but on the other hand, it may also encourage one to invest a lot of time and effort nurturing the one female relationship they can trust, i.e., that with one’s mother.

Since family holiday gatherings in American culture can be such emotionally charged events, it’s no wonder that many women tend to gain weight during that period. Articles on how to avoid temptation neglect to point out the glaring fact that it’s often not the overflowing buffet and dessert tables that lead one to overindulge, but rather our tendency to swallow our stress by inhaling whatever food happens to jump into our unsuspecting mouths. As much as I want to focus on quality, not quantity, and on savoring my meals and basking in the glow of Christmas by treating my body and my mind with the utmost care and attention, the familiar feelings of inadequacy, guilt, regret, and resentment can overwhelm even my best intentions, and the next thing I know, poof! I’ve devoured two platefuls of prime rib, veggies, breads, and all manner of simple carbs, then making a beeline for the cheesecakes and pies. God help us.

I think, however, that this year, I’m going to really focus on being more mindful. Mindful of my thoughts, my feelings, my surroundings. When I let my mind wander into unpleasant thoughts and sink into despair, it can very easily turn into a very ugly scene at the dessert table. Anne Barone, of Chic & Slim fame, constantly reminds her readers and devotees to be ever vigilant and not let one’s emotional and mental guard down, especially when the unexpected (or even the expected, like a relative’s thoughtless remark about one’s children, or lack thereof) comes barreling out of nowhere and threatens to throw off your equilibrium.

Of course, I realize I’m not perfect. I think I read somewhere a long time ago that maintaining a healthy weight and exercise regimen isn’t really about willpower but rather about developing habits. Unfortunately, when you haven’t been raised in a beauty- and health-conscious culture such as what those lucky Frenchwomen have, it can be difficult to develop such habits, much less maintain them. But for the sake of one’s mental sanity and physical well-being, I think women do owe it to themselves to set aside enough time (even just 10-15 minutes) each day to reflect and focus on themselves and their needs. I’ve said it often enough to myself, but I almost think it needs to become sort of my mantra just so that it can be drilled permanently into my brain: if I can’t take care of myself, I can’t take care of anyone.

I’ve brainstormed a few ideas that can help me enjoy the holidays with the family with joy, equanimity and centeredness. If you’re dreading a similar emotional and gastronomic catastrophe with family relations this holiday and have your own coping mechanisms, do share.

• Meditate. I don’t do this often enough, which is a shame because when I do engage in it on a regular basis, I’ve found that it’s helped me as much as exercise and good nutrition. I don’t have a mantra or a chant, although if you do, I urge you to use it as your means to center yourself. Otherwise, a simple breathing exercise can do miracles. A lot of people suggest that, to ease oneself into meditation practice, you can simply begin right where you are, probably sitting in a chair, then closing your eyes and following your breath. I’ve found, however, that by having a dedicated “quiet space” where I can close the door and just focus, it’s a little easier to really shut out distractions and get centered. It doesn’t have to be fancy — a little used closet or even a clean, uncluttered corner of your bedroom will suffice. Meditation cushions help tremendously in easing the burden on the lower back.
• Drink water. Lots of water. I won’t be reaching for just the plain old still stuff, though. When I’m stressed, I can be easily persuaded to cram an entire Snickers bar into my mouth. So pas chic. Instead, I’m going to buy a couple of six-packs of lime-flavored sparkling water (Perrier offers it, as does Arrowhead. The latter is far cheaper and tastes just as good.) and keep them handy for when the mean reds strike. More importantly, however, they fill my stomach up so quickly and completely that the thought of ingesting food makes me ill. Granted, it’s probably the carbonation, but I’d rather be temporarily bloated than fat.
• Find a happy place. Psychologists may not agree with me, but this is the best way I’ve found to handle unpleasant or uncomfortable situations. When I feel that a relative is being unfair or unbearable, I refocus my mind to think about a time or event when that person and I were really enjoying each other’s company. It could be something that happened a year ago or even thirty years ago — whatever it takes to inspire feelings of compassion and grace towards someone I would otherwise avoid or become angry with, I’ll take it.
• Take your vitamins. Omega-3 fatty acids and lean proteins (chicken, fish, beans, soy) are critical to promoting a calm and alert mind. With the holiday season a potential stress-inducer, it’s even more important that I make sure that my body’s nutritional needs are well-taken care of. I drank a bottle of Naked Superfood smoothie for breakfast this morning, as I’d had very little sleep last night and knew that my immune system was not doing well. I felt sooooo good afterwards, and more energetic than if I had just munched on a sugar-laden granola bar. Now that I’m in a big city with lots and lots of healthy food options, I’ll make sure to find time to visit Jamba Juice and Whole Foods Markets often and get my whole food fixes.
• Exercise. Nothing — I repeat, nothing – busts stress faster and more efficiently than exercise. Check out this month’s issue of Essence magazine and its multi-page spread on aging gracefully, an annual feature that I always look forward to. The women always impress and inspire me with their healthy lifestyles and outlooks. All of them consider exercise an integral part of their lives, as much as breathing and eating and living. I brought my running shoes and clothes and plan on running at least every other day for half an hour around the neighborhood or my brother’s treadmill. I’ll also do a 20-minute yoga routine each morning that never fails to work out those annoying morning kinks and jumpstart my day with a clearer, more focused mind. If you’re interested in doing yoga but are unsure of where to start, the Gaiam DVD AM and PM Yoga for Beginners is the best at-home program I have ever found. I’ve been doing it for three or so years, and I never get tired of it.
• Get lots of sleep. Despite my recent bout of the flu, I don’t seem to have learned my lesson about getting plenty of rest. However, I plan on adhering to this piece of advice more closely now that I’m away from home and don’t have the distractions of errands to keep me up half the night. I brought an eye-mask and my most comfy pyjamas, but not my alarm clock.
• Eat at least nine (9) servings of fruit and veggies a day. This is a little daunting for me, as especially in the winter, I can be pretty lax about getting my RDA of the good stuff. However, I remind myself that this is about my health and quality of life. B. works in the cardiology department at the local hospital and sees everyday the consequences of poor nutrition. In addition I happen to live in a town that’s become very popular with retirees, and I definitely don’t want to become like many of them — barely able to breathe, walk, too heavy to carry themselves, too weak to even stand up. Reminding myself of this often can work wonders in getting myself to get all my produce in each day.

I’m already feeling better just looking at this list and knowing that I’m doing something good for myself. I’m only here for seven days, so it shouldn’t be impossible to follow these guidelines for such a short period of time. I know they sound an awful lot like New Year’s resolutions, but what the hell. That is the good thing about getting older — you realize that you really don’t have much time left, so the sooner you start taking care of yourself, the better the quality of life you’ll have in whatever years you have remaining. If I can begin the process of turning these into “holiday survival strategies” into habits that I’ll practice my entire life, it’ll be more than worth the short-term sacrifices involved in implementing them.

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