Desperately Seeking Eye Roller

I’m beginning to wonder if this product really, truly exists. The Garnier Nutritioniste Eye Roller has been darting in and out of my beauty consciousness for weeks now, I tell you. Weeks! I’m not even sure if obsession is really the right word, although you know human nature. The more elusive something is, the more likely one is to pursue it. Like the Red Violin. The Loch Ness Monster. Bigfoot. The Ark of the Covenant.

And now, apparently, the Garnier Nutritioniste Eye Roller. Yeah. Talk about an eye roller (nyuk nyuk nyuk).

I’ve been to 1 Wal-Mart, 1 Target, 1 Walgreens, 2 Rite-Aids, and 1 K-Mart. Nuthin’. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. We have one more Wal-Mart and one more Walgreens that I haven’t visited, and you know that when this girl goes to Wal-Mart, it must be serious. I used to have serious ethical and environmental concerns about Wal-Mart that kept me from darkening its doors. I still do, of course, but in the last couple of years I’ve added incredible inconvenience at the top of that list of reasons why I don’t go. It’s just such a bloody hassle to spend half an hour just to pick up one item, you know? Even at six in the morning, with the store itself half-empty, the parking lot still seems mysteriously full. Go figure.

So off I went to Wal-Mart early yesterday morning after a fruitless search at K-Mart. There was the little price sticker on the edge of the shelf. There was the yawning gap where a row of those bright green boxes should’ve been. Gaaaaah.

I know they exist. I have seen the commercials. I’ve read about it on the Internet. But where does this product actually dwell in the real world? It’s like those Travelocity (Expedia?) commercials with the ubiquitous (and truly creepy) elf/lawn jockey/mini-Merlin. Its shadow follows me around, but whenever I think it’s just there, a forlorn, empty shelf awaits me.

Is it really that awesome? Does it magically erase bags, restore that missing sparkle in your eyes, smooth your skin, polish your nails, scrub your toilet, and bake a three-tier cake for you? Or is it just the fact that it’s super-easy to use and quite innovative with the rolling ball at the end — the better to keep the delicate skin around the eyes free from the stretching and tugging endemic among eye-cream users — that it’s so popular? Is it just the bright, neon-lime color?

I don’t ordinarily become obsessed with beauty products. Nothing’s worth that much mental energy, time and resources. But something about this product’s tricky way of evading my grasp just sparks the hunter in me, and I’m determined to track it down. As if I didn’t have enough to do.

B. asked me this morning why I won’t just special-order it at the drugstore. I looked at him with a disdainful expression. Honey, that’s too easy.

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