Standing up for yourself and your sisters is super, super-chic

I had a very sad experience recently that reminds me yet again that, when it comes to eliminating domestic violence in the English vocabulary, we have a long, long way to go.

A friend of mine who I only met a couple of months ago finally released herself from a very damaging and potentially explosive relationship. She and her beautiful young teenage daughter moved out of the apartment she shared with her boyfriend a few days ago, and now she’s living in a bare apartment wondering when and if she will be able to pay her bills and next month’s rent. Her daughter has found a job working nights at a restaurant, but my friend has been unable to land employment herself. She doesn’t drive, which makes it nearly impossible to go anywhere here in the Dallas area, and she doesn’t have many contacts, and her bank account has dwindled to a few hundred dollars. The incident has left her all too aware of her complete dependency on her former boyfriend, who let her know in no uncertain terms that he no longer wanted her the night she walked out on him, when he wrapped his big hands around her neck and tried to choke her.

Please, mes amies: if this at all describes what you’re going through, know that you’re not alone and that no matter how impossible it may seem for you to be on your own, you are doing yourself and any children you may have a huge, huge favor by taking yourself and them out of this awful situation and getting help. You deserve to be treated as a human being, with respect and dignity and kindness, not to mention love and tenderness. That’s what love is — there is no place for violence in love, no place for enduring that kind of pain and suffering from the people to whom you’ve given your heart and life, no place for taking that kind of abuse from someone who supposedly “cares” about you.

Unlike even just a decade ago, when resources to assist victims of domestic violence were few and far between, there are many, many organizations to help women and children (and men, although domestic violence inflicted on men is much more rare) take control of their lives and destinies, escape their abusers and begin to work towards better futures. In the D/FW area, for example, SafeHaven of Tarrant County and Genesis Women’s Shelter in Dallas both offer counseling, temporary lodgings, childcare, legal support, and even in-house schooling for their clients and the latter’s children.

If you’re not ready yet to contact your local domestic violence organization, call a trusted friend or family member and let them know what’s going on. Talk to them, or a counselor, about your options and try to establish a plan in the event that you need to leave immediately and will need a place to stay. You’d be surprised at who will help you and who you can trust in your circle of friends and acquaintances.

We women have a reputation of lacking trust and feelings of sisterhood towards our fellow female members of the human race, and unfortunately I’ve seen that stereotype played over and over and over and over again, ad nauseam, much to our detriment. In situations like this, however, remember that when one of us gets hurt, we all get hurt. When one of us is abused, we’re all abused. And when one of us is in trouble, we must all get together and extend a hand to one of our own. We owe it to ourselves as well as all women everywhere to stand up for each other when one of us is feeling weak and needs her strength and faith renewed. We women are so incredibly strong, but at times in our lives we need to be reminded of that, especially when someone we think loves us and who we love is determined to break us and our spirits.

When I was ten, I witnessed my uncle beat the s*** out of my beloved aunt in front of my eyes. He came home one night, terribly drunk, grabbed her by the hair, and slammed her head repeatedly against the closet door. Up to that point, she and I had been quietly watching TV in her bedroom, and when he burst into the room and lunged for her I could do nothing but cower in the corner in fear. I finally found the strength to run downstairs, where my other aunts, uncles and cousins were watching TV in the living room. Everyone could hear her screams upstairs, but no one moved. When I looked at my uncle — the head of household — questioningly, he simply shrugged and said, “It’s none of our business.”

It is our business. It is always our business when another woman is in trouble. We have relatively little strength as individuals when compared to the power of men, but collectively we can be and do so much more than we ever thought possible. We’re all sisters in humanity.

When my uncle abused my aunt, he was teaching her, me, all the women and girls downstairs in the living room and in the neighborhood who heard the whole thing, and the daughter they were soon to adopt that it’s okay to take out one’s frustrations on a woman’s flesh. That her body doesn’t belong to her but rather to anyone who wants to do with it as they wish.

My friend fought back and called the police. Now she’s left that awful house and is on her own, afraid and fearful of her future but grateful to be free of that oppressive relationship. She has no furniture save for a bed she shares with her daughter and a small bedside table, and she has no idea what will happen tomorrow, much less next week or next month. But she’s taken the first step towards reclaiming her life and her self back, and I made sure to let her know how much I admired her for her courage and resilience in the wake of such a frightening event. She and her daughter will be okay, that much I’m sure.

By the way, you might be surprised at just how prevalent domestic and partner abuse is. I once lived with a man who controlled everything I did, from the time I went to bed to how much time I spent on the telephone. In college I once worked with a girl who came to the office with an enormous bruise on her foreheard and huge gashes on her arms from when her boyfriend dragged her by the hair down their driveway. I know at least two women in my circle of friends who’ve experienced date rape, and undoubtedly there are more just within our intimate group, but few are willing to talk about it. Imagine what the numbers must be in the general population.

Remember that it can happen to anyone: working class, poor, middle-class, upper class, college-educated, illiterature, professional, blue-collar. It doesn’t matter. What we have in common is that we’re all women. And because of that fact alone, we need to stand together and help each other. Help each other get through crises such as these, but also help each other ensure that it never happens again.

Merci mille,

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